An Open Letter to Kim Jong-un


Mr. Kim,

If I may introduce myself, I am an obscure citizen of the world, without fame or title.  Some know me as, “The Curmudgeon of Clemens Cove,” a designation that brings me little notoriety and no profit.  (Some are born curmudgeons, others have curmudgeonry thrust upon them.)

Albeit, you, as Supreme Commander, and I, as Supreme Commoner, have a couple things in common; one, we want the best for the kids.  We must surely agree, no child should have to live in fear of nuclear irradiation.

So here is my proposal, I, for my part, will appeal to the United Nations to petition the United States to freeze joint “war games” (our world’s most ironic oxymoron) with South Korea, withdraw our troops from the peninsula, and rescind sanctions in return for your freezing the “byungjin” policy of expanding North Korea’s nuclear weapons and missile capacities.

We can then join the nascent Treaty On The Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons and commit to drawing down, at the rate of 10% per year, the world’s 16,300 nuclear weapons.  In ten years our world will be free of the diabolical threat of nuclear war.  For his own part, Mr. Trump said most recently he wants to “denuke the world.”  In the meantime, it might be prudent to establish a suicide prevention line to counsel world leaders who talk about detonating a nuclear weapon.

Oh, the other thing we have in common, Mr. Kim, is a love of hoops.  Ballers are the most talented and finely tuned athletes in the world, on this we can clearly agree, and Kyrie Irving is wanting out of Cleveland, where he has been playing in the shadow of LeBron James.  So here’s my second proposal; we form an IBA, International Basketball Association, composed of stars from North Korea, South Korea and around the globe.  We draft Kyrie Irving (this is not going to be cheap) and make Kyrie the captain of this first IBA team.  The logical coach would be Dennis Rodman I think we can all agree.  And here’s the best part…home games will rotate between Pyongyang and Seoul.

Oh, there’s one more thing I almost forgot to mention.  The Winter Olympic Games scheduled for this February in Pyeongchang, South Korea could proudly present a Korean team comprised of athletes from both North & South Korea.  This will send a signal to the world that North & South Korea are lighting the Olympic Torch in a de-escalation of tensions.  We already know Mr. Moon is open to such an accord, so let’s light this candle, Mr. Kim, and adopt the Olympic Creed: “The important thing is not to win, but to take part.”

That’s all for now; I’d have written you a shorter letter but I didn’t have time…

-The Curmudgeon of Clemens Cove